New Roommate Always There

CHICAGO, IL—Marquette University grad and now local tenant in Lincoln Park, Loren Smithe, 23, is growing increasingly bewildered and annoyed by roommate Joshway DeWitt’s constant presence in their apartment, Smithe reported Tuesday.


DeWitt eats breakfast in the living room almost every morning (have I ever mentioned the dishes?).

"It's like the guy never leaves," Smithe said.

Whether silently eating his cereal, looking out the window, talking to himself, or reading a book while standing up, DeWitt's quiet and unvaried living habits have managed to "unnerve" Smithe.

"The other night I was in the living room watching TV and he came out of nowhere and sat right next to me without saying a word," Smithe said, wondering what DeWitt's deal was. "He just sat there for 45 minutes, watching what I was watching, until I finally got up and left."

The two have lived together since last summer, when DeWitt responded to Smithe's "Roommate Wanted" ad on Craigslist. Smithe said that she regretted not being more specific about the type of person she was looking for, having chosen instead to highlight the apartment's "awesome patio."

"Even when he came over to check the apartment out, he kind of puttered around, opening and closing the silverware drawer, and peeking in closets," Smithe said. "Looking back, all the signs were there."

Smithe said her past roommates had been conspicuously mobile, frequently leaving the house and returning with fresh groceries, obvious suntans, and recently met men. But DeWitt has exhibited no discernible interest in the world beyond his living quarters, instead spending hours in the apartment's common areas surfing myspace or talking to himself.

Smithe claimed that, on the rare occasion that her roommate retreats to his bedroom, DeWitt leaves the door wide open (it’s only dead-bolted with the rare occasion party), even while asleep.

"I can't get away from him," Smithe said.

Adding to Smithe's frustration, DeWitt has paid rent and utility bills on time without fail.

"He's got an income coming from somewhere," said Smithe, who last week increased her hours by volunteering in order to avoid DeWitt's evening routine of aimless pacing and off-key whistling. "But I don't know where it comes from—he never leaves to go to a job."

Smithe said the situation reached a "critical mass" when she returned from a weekend trip to find Joe, a creationsist from Oklahoma, interested in subletting DeWitt’s room.

"I felt like I'd stepped through a wormhole," Smithe said. "Everything was exactly the same. Same shit new day."

Some clues seem to indicate DeWitt engages in a relatively normal level of day-to-day activity, among them, changes in facial hair, many boxes of half-eaten thai carry-out, and a jar of peanut butter belonging to DeWitt that slowly emptied until it was replaced in the first week of June.

Although she briefly considered subletting, Smithe said she wouldn’t know where to go, she will most likely finish out her current lease with DeWitt and eventually move into a modest two-bedroom loft with her exquisite friend, Renae, where she hopes to "finally get some normalcy."

When asked for comment on Smithe's allegations, DeWitt expressed confusion and walked away...

"He's a complete mystery to me. That girl’s, like, never here," DeWitt said.

Death Cab for China: A New Meaning to "Chinese Takeout"

Hot off the assembly line...it's China's Death Mobile. Yes folks, this is too brilliant to be made up. It's true, for years, foreign human rights groups have accused China of arbitrary executions and cruelty in its use of capital punishment. So, China has decided to slowly phase out their usual means of execution [public executions by firing squad], by carrying out executions in a van [probably not down by the river].

Makers of the death vans say the vehicles, which are used for lethal-injection executions, are a "civilized alternative" to the shot to the back of the head. Personally, I think it's all crazy, but I do love the van. I wouldn't mind a virtual tour....hmmm, I'll have to post a comment. According to Kang Zhongwen, who designed the Jinguan Automobile death van in which "Devil" Zhang took his final ride, says the switch from gunshots to injections is a sign that China "promotes human rights now." I heart their brilliance.

If you're looking for a new ride...

Death Mobile Specs:
Cost: $37,500 or totally pimped $75,000
Length: 20-26ft
Top Speed: 65 to 80 mph

PLUS, it comes fully equipped with an Observation Area!! Again, can u say ViRTUAL TOUR.
In the middle, with glass separating it from execution area it can accommodate six people [but I am sure u can fit more]. All communication is via walkie-talkie [I guess they couldn’t think of a better means to communicate…I think they should have had one of those windows like at ticket windows or the one’s at really seedy gas stations. That’s what I would have done.]


Quick Fact:
The exact number of convicts put to death is a state secret. Amnesty International estimates there were at least 1,770 executions in China in 2005 - vs. 60 in the United States, but the group says on its website that the toll could be as high as 8,000 prisoners.

Quotes: In No Particular Order
1) "I'm most proud of the bed. It's very humane, like an ambulance"
...see as it glides from upright to lying down mode, thank Buddha for this power-driven metal stretcher...

2) "Some places can't afford the cost of sending a person to Beijing - perhaps $250 - plus $125 more for the drug," says Qiu Xingsheng, a former judge working as a lawyer in Chongqing. Death-by-gunshot requires "very little expense"
...Need I say more...Classic.

3) [The guards] "ask the prisoner to open his mouth, so the bullet can pass out of the mouth and leave the face intact"
...Human Rights to the Maximum...Cruel and Unsual must have been 'blacked out' of the books.

4) "It doesn't matter what method you use," Qiu says. "If someone is convicted of a capital crime, they should be executed."
...Please open your mouth. bang.

5) "If we abolish the death penalty, then crime will grow"
...it's a good thing the Chinese send the bodies to crematoriums...


Last Fun Fact:
Sixty-eight different crimes - more than half non-violent offenses such as tax evasion and drug smuggling - are punishable by death in China.
...I bet that Robert Hatch from Survivor would have paid the tax on his winnings if he knew a Death Van would show up at his doorstep. YAHTZEE!

'Breakin'